“Maybe it’s just not God’s plan for me to get married.”
“I mean with so many beautiful girls around me how can I ever get noticed?”
“ Do you think that maybe it’s just something about me?”
Whether you’d liked to admit it or not, we’ve all had these thoughts run through our heads. The sad thing is after so time we come to believe them. So we pick out a boy that we see in the cafeteria with dreamy eyes, find out where he studies, and stalk him until we become friends. We find ourselves settling for boys that have very blatant flaws because we are so terrified of being alone. We have become a generation of women that aggressively pursue men for the hopeful chance that this one could be the one that solves all our problems. We cry ourselves to sleep every time the boy we picked for ourselves doesn’t reciprocate our feelings, watch a romantic comedy and desperately ache to be a real life heroine, and eat our feelings every Saturday night we remain at home dateless.
Why oh women is this what we have become? Why are we so afraid of the word single that we feel ashamed and dirty at the thought of being independent? Why do we fantasize about these amazing men to ignore the ultimate One that matters the most?
Because we have bought into the media, our familial pressure, and most importantly satan’s lies to why we are truly single. We have allowed ourselves to be manipulated by him time and time again and ignored the rescuing call of the One who constantly saves. That stops now.
Lie #1: Maybe it’s something wrong with me
It can be hard as girl to not compare ourselves to others. To not worry we’re too curvy, too skinny, too quiet, too loud, too fun, too serious, the list goes on and on. As a very outgoing girl, I worry that my personality is too big for any boy to be able to handle. I’m loud, obnoxiously cheerful, and talk far too much for many men’s taste. For so long I wondered if my singleness was due to any of these flaws that could be “too much” for anyone to handle. Maybe, if I pretend to be that quiet girl they all seem to admire, I will actually become her. Maybe, just maybe, I can keep enough of myself hidden that they won’t need to know who I really am until after I’ve walked down the aisle. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I can bury the person God intended me to be in order to become someone I don’t even recognize. This is a vicious, ungodly untruth.
The Lord created us all uniquely, with different personalities, backgrounds, and passions. He did not create us to pretend to be someone we are not and to hide our gifts and selves under the comparisons of the world. If that boy thinks that your personality is too big for him to handle, then good riddance. If that boy thinks you need to lose weight, then good riddance. God knows you better than anyone in this whole universe, yet we doubt that He would be able to bring us a boy who would be capable of loving those very qualities about ourselves that we cringe from.
We worry and worry that we must hide how we look behind makeups and concealers and our true hearts behind iron cases in order to be accepted and loved. That is not how God created us, and that is no way to live life. God loves every single thing about us from the freckles we get in the sunshine to the number on a scale to our quirky senses of humor. We can hide nothing from God and He doesn’t want us to hide who we are from the world either. Embrace the person God created you to be so that you can start living the life and meeting the people He has planned for you.
Lie #2: You are not worth pursuing
How many times have you complained about not being asked out? How many times have you had the door slammed in your face because no one opened it, had to pay for a date, or txted the guy first? Maybe you think that chivalry is dead and that it is up to women to now be the ones who pursue. Now I am not going to get into the debate on if girls should ask boys out, but I do believe that the man should be the one who is ultimately leading your relationship. He is called to be a servant-leader, not just a servant.
I’m currently at the end of my junior year of college and I can honestly say I believe I am the only one of many of my girlfriends that has not been asked out on a date during college. Now, I’m not saying that to complain or to make you feel sorry for me. I am saying that because I get it. I get waking up early before your 8 am class because you want to look cute in case you run into any potential boys. I get angrily praying to God because I wonder what the heck is wrong with me that I can’t get a boy to just ask me to go get ice cream. I get having a great conversation with a boy just to find out he’s really interested in getting to know one of your seemingly prettier friends.
The answer is simple. Nothing is wrong with me and nothing is wrong with you either. This applies whether you’ve just had your heart broken by that jerk, are going through a very severe dateless drought, or think only the weird boys want to ask you out. The truth is we are in a constant pursuit each and every day. God is longing after our hearts and every day He tries to delight us into His presence. Yet, we make it so difficult for Him. We pout, we cry, we get angry, yet He is patiently waiting in the wings holding our hearts in His hands screaming at us to trust Him. Not worth pursuing? To God that thought is incomprehensible.
We were so worth pursuing, our dirty shallow hearts were so worth pursuing, He gave up the most precious thing He had, His life.
So stop the comparisons, the wallowing, and most importantly stop trying to control. Just sit back, relax, and realize God has big plans for this area of your life whether you stay single or get married. But it won’t because you weren’t worth the fight or the effort. Whenever you feel alone or abandoned in these moments of singleness and feeling unwanted remember to whom you belong.
“ You are altogether lovely my darling, there is no fault in you.”
Lie #3: The ultimate goal of life if to be married
Everyone has those family members that scour their Facebook pages and constantly ask you if that boy who was awkwardly tagged in the background of the picture of you with your roommate is your new significant other. They bother and pester and pod until you have enough time to come up with an embellished excuse about how “your guys friends are great, really.” And “no one gets asked out at your school, it’s just weird.” They’ll then get that sad look in their eyes, pat your hand, and say, “that’s ok, you’re probably too young anyways for a serious relationship”, when behind their eyes are the worries that you’ll be forever alone. And let’s face it, you’re thinking the same thing too. Especially when the other members of your family and best friends seem to have found their Mr. Right, it can hard to not wonder when it’s going to be your turn.
Society tells us with programs like Say Yes To The Dress, Bridezillas, and many others that a woman isn’t really complete until she’s bagged a man and had her dream wedding. We as women can start to feel like spinsters at the ripe old age of 20 or 21. Do you know that the average age for women to get married in the United States is 27? That most people are waiting to get married and don’t meet their spouses in college or high school? How can we spend so many years of our lives “not really existing”? Our purpose on earth is simple. To love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. That’s it.
We are called to follow God first and foremost and to think about veils and bridal gowns later. God calls us to serve and witness to Him, which I’m pretty sure is still possible to do single. Ladies, there is so much more to life and relationships than meets the eyes. It’s not all adorable filtered Instagram pictures and cheerful Facebook updates. It’s not all birthday collage posts and surprise flowers on Valentine’s Day. It’s work. It’s sacrifice. And most importantly it’s selfless. So yes, relationships are great and fantastic, but no boy can possibly fill the God shaped hole your heart is aching for. No boy can love you or know you the way God does. No boyfriend or husband can be your reason for being alive or the answer to the meaning of the universe. God has called us all to a great purpose and has equipped us with the tools to complete it. So instead of spending so much time daydreaming, wallowing, and eating, we should be spending that time growing with God, and having Him give us the wisdom to know His plan and follow it for our lives.
Don’t be afraid of the single life, embrace it. Because the truth is, you may be single for many reasons that right now don’t make any sense, but this one thing is true. Right now, God loves you so unspeakably much that He just can’t bear to share you with anyone not worthy of His standards. So get out, go out, and build the kingdom. Don’t waste your time fishing calories out of a Ben and Jerry ice cream pint, fish wisdom out of God’s word, fish peace out of God’s eternal self, and fish patience out of God’s truth.
That one person who is perfect for you in every way is already in your life and He’s knocking at the door of your heart to be let in.